census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
