just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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