I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
