Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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