So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
