All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
