All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
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