i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
