tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
