the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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