wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
