Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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