his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
