FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
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Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
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If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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