didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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