What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Rumble strips road head = magical
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
