I think I won the penis lottery.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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