Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
