Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
