so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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