He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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