Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
