I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
