fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
