What a fucking waste of an outfit
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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