our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
