apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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