If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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