is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
