Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
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Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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