Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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