i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
