Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
