do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
