Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
