I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i just google imaged poop.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
