I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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