Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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