He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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