I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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