Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
