i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
please come you make the beer taste better
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious