Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
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I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
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SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills