you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.