God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
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I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
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In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up