What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
