so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
