i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
