i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
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Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
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I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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