You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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