It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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