why didn't you poke me back
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
