First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
