I heard we made out
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
