You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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