well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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